Copyright 2000 Times Mirror Company
Los Angeles Times
March 15, 2000, Wednesday, Home Edition
SECTION: Southern California Living; Part E; Page 5; View
Desk
LENGTH: 598 words
HEADLINE: SECTION GEE! ADVICE, HUMOR, COMICS, HOROSCOPE,
KIDS;
OFF-KILTER; ROAD KILL AND HEAD GEAR: FINALLY, THERE'S A WAY TO COMBINE
THE TWO
BYLINE: ROY RIVENBURG
BODY:
Yo Quiero Sombrero: When it comes to
fashion trends, most people foolishly look to Paris or New York. We turn
to Texas, where the latest hot designer is a musician from Austin who creates
hats from road kill.
According to Wireless Flash News Service, John "Mambo" Treanor
expresses his creativity by turning dead animals into Davy Crockett-style
caps. His spring collection includes chapeaus made from smashed skunks,
rolled-over raccoons and crushed cats. He says his dream is to fashion a
coonskin hat from a dead Chihuahua.
Cyrano de Bergerac 2000: If only more celebrities would follow the example
of singers Aimee Mann and Michael Penn, who recently performed at L.A.'s
Largo nightclub. After the opening number, Mann confessed: "We're no
good at between-songs banter, so we're going to have a stand-up comic do
it for us."
A male figure promptly grabbed the microphone and said, "Hi, I'm Aimee
Mann." He then claimed Penn was a non-English-speaking immigrant and
offered to translate for him.
Penn blurted out some foreign-sounding phrases, which the comedian translated
as: "Are you ready to rock?"
The crowd cheered, "Yeah," and then Penn uttered more gibberish.
Comic's translation: "I can't hear you."
Here at Off-Kilter, we'd like to see this concept spread. For example, during
the presidential debates, Al Gore and George W. Bush could both admit they're
as exciting as dirt and have professional comics take their place.
Moderator: Gov. Bush, please explain what you mean by "compassionate
conservative."
Bush surrogate: Hey, what do you think of my new road-kill raccoon hat?
But seriously, ladies and germs, on the compassionate conservative thing,
a good example is the death penalty. I'm for it, which is conservative.
Yet I'm also compassionate because I don't believe in running the inmates
through a wood chipper. In Texas, we humanely grill them in a mesquite-flavored
electric chair.
Moderator: Vice President Gore, critics say you're too robotic to be elected.
Gore surrogate: That's nonsense. I can be just as passionate and emotional
as the next guy. Let me show you. (Begins flailing arms.) Danger, Will Robinson!
Danger!
Moderator: What's your opinion of Chicago's attempt to slash air-conditioning
bills and reduce smog by planting greenery atop some skyscrapers, such as
the two oak trees and 21,000 shrubs placed on the roof of Chicago City Hall?
Gore: Research shows that plants can reduce heat in urban areas. But Chicago's
program doesn't go far enough. I favor converting all city statues to Chia
Pet material.
Moderator: What are your views on multiculturalism?
Gore: The Irish-American experience is unique. All the experiences are unique.
The African-American experience is uniquely unique.
Actually, that Gore quote on multiculturalism is real, according to the
Chicago Sun-Times. Gore also once said, "A leopard cannot change its
stripes," so maybe he and Bush (who thinks the person on U.S. quarters
is his mother, Barbara) are both big enough goofballs that the debates will
be entertaining after all.
However, we still think professional comics could be used as stand-ins to
deliver sermons, college lectures, Oscar thank-you speeches, nightly newscasts
and conversations on first dates.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Stonehenge Was Really a Prehistoric
Gay Bar, Says Professor!" (Weekly World News)
*
Unpaid Informants: Jonah Goldberg of the National Review, Mark Joseph, Mary
Stolzenbach. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter
runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
GRAPHIC: PHOTO: Danger, Al Gore! Danger! VP insists that
he is not lost in space. PHOTOGRAPHER: IRFAN KHAN / Los Angeles Times
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